Dreams. I am Mother. Groceries. And Other Random Thoughts

Lately my dreams have featured background music.  Last night it was Martin Sexton.  It was definitely a great way to wake up.  I won't bore you or confuse you with the details of my dream, but it included some biblical imagery.  Sorta.  Instead of the lion and the lamb, it was the wolf and the gopher.

Here is what's been going on the last few days in my world:

This is my son and I.  He calls me Mother.  As in: Mother drives me to school in the morning.  Or, Mother is sitting on the couch with me watching TV.  (He was talking with my mom).  I feel so regal when he calls me Mother.

I'm pretty sure I promised him I wouldn't share this photo, but I love how happy he looks.

Yesterday we ate lunch together and he told me that one of the EA's was going to start a club.

"Oh really?"  I said,  "is it going to be a Manchester club?"

"Kinda" my son replied.  "It's going to be a hairy chest club".

"How is that anything to do with Manchester?"  I asked him.

"You know"  he said: "Man-Chest-Hair".

Ha!


Yesterday I went to Costco and they made a big deal of running over and getting some boxes to pack my items.  This is how they pack my stuff:

Box 1: Lotion, Cheese, Spinach.  Box 2: Meat, Creamer, Butter.

Then this morning I stopped at Sobeys and when I got home I unpacked a bag.  It contained one litre of milk and one can of tomato soup.

Must be the new trend in groceries.

I'd better stop this post, or I'll have nothing to write about tomorrow.

~b~

On Fear and Avoidance

Last night I started reading Woman Food and God (Geneen Roth).  She brings up the point that eating can be a way of bolting from ourselves, how we distance ourselves when reality isn't matching up to our expectations.

Bolting.  Avoidance.

This is something that I have just realized is my main coping mechanism.  It is one of those unhealthy coping mechanisms that worked for me when I was a child, but when I use it in adulthood it probably does more damage to myself than prevents hurt or pain.

There are so many ways that I try to avoid pain, or even the possibility of pain that it seems ingrained in my daily actions.  I use my phone to surf the web or text with a friend when I'm out in public, so that I can avoid feeling socially awkward, or even have to talk to the people around me.  I have no problem changing my route if I don't feel like talking to someone I see up ahead.  I develop my relationships only to a depth where I still feel safe and in control.  I spend more time daydreaming or reading than actually doing.

Geneen Roth explains how if we as adults believe the pain will kill us we are seeing through the eyes of our fragile self.  I believe that my actions ultimately stem out of my beliefs, but I also think that my actions affirm the beliefs I have about myself.  Running away gives strength to fear.  It affirms the belief that I can't handle things.  It gives power to the idea that I am too fragile or weak to handle the pain, hurt, or embarrassments of life.  It is affirming to myself an identity of weakness, fragility, and insecurity.

In Donald Millar's blog post today, he talks about experiencing pain because it allows for growth.  For what seems like too long, I have felt stuck and unable to move forward.  But I wonder now, if I need to leave behind the me that operates out of fear and avoidance.  Before I can begin the next chapter in life, I need to leave in this chapter the part of me that continually tells my self I am too weak to handle the hard stuff of life.


~b~

Friday Randoms

Three good shows that only lasted 2 seasons:

• Dead Like Me

• Pushing Daisy's

• Flight of the Conchords

Forever Ago I Got My Haircut:

As I bonus I got my hair curled (my stylist felt sorry for me because I wasn't feeling to great). I loved my curly hair!

Twitter

I've been trying to cut back on the amount of online reading I do because I'm convinced its promoting my short attention span and hindering a lack of deep thought. And then Steve Jobs resigned. I'm sick of being the last to hear breaking news. So I finally joined twitter. You can follow me @BeckySchurman, or even better, tell me your username so I can follow you.


My Son

One benefit of having a teenager that is taller than me is that he can now reach up high to places I can't reach. Sweet. He can also carry in more groceries into the apartment than me. The years of cooking him meals is finally paying off.

One drawback to having a teenage son is that he'll say things to me like: "I'll bring my fan in and waft it all over the place" (He is talking about wafting the smell of his stinky socks all over the apartment). Eww.


Binary Solo

I bought leisure passes this weekend for my son and I. It ended up costing $101.10. I'm pretty sure I remarked: Ooooh, binary numbers, to the cashier. I blame the end of this song for my dorky remark:

Have a great weekend!

~b~