Current State of Affairs

This past year I have been stuck in a season that I can't seem to break free of. I've been struggling with envy and discontent all year to the point that I can't see any of the blessing I've received. I hate how I can become so self centered and self absorbed and how I can only seem to focus on what everyone else has and what I don't have or what I haven't achieved yet. It's caused me to become emotionally and physically unavailable to those closest to me. When what I need is good friends who will endure me despite the sadness I project, who will listen to me and remind me to stop over thinking all the aspects of my life. To remind me of the person I am and the many blessings I have. Somedays I feel like I have fallen so deep into this pit of discontent that I think I will never break free. But today isn't one of those days. Today is a moment of brief clarity and I can acknowledge all the good things in my life.

Here is an itemized list in non-alphabetical order (mainly because it all starts with M):

• My son. My son has taught me what love is. He is the reason I work so hard. Because of him I have courage and strength to do so many things I would have never done on my own.

• My friends. My friends can uplift my spirit just by talking to them or being in their presence. When I am with them I can be me. Just me. I can be weird and quirky and loud or quiet and contemplative and boring.

• My mother. My mother has had such a great impact on my life. She has consistently demonstrated love, faith, commitment, and above all, selfless giving.

• My father. My father is the other person who has had a great impact on my life. It is through his death and the impact of his life that I have gained an eternal perspective of the actions and interactions of my life. He has taught me how to treat others and how to work hard and succeed despite the limitations put on yourself. Above all, he has showed me how a positive attitude will resonate to the people you interact with on a daily basis.

• My job. Today is my 8 year anniversary at work. I have been so fortunate to find a job that is stable, in Saskatoon, and allows me to financially support my family with extra left over to give to others. I have worked with some amazing people who have taught me about generosity and who constantly provide me with amazing food and recipes.

• My home. I have finally found a place where I can feel safe and secure. It is nice and quiet and private and I don't have to worry about any walls that might imminently fall down. It is close to work and school. Best of all, I can keep my other boy, Max so he can eat all the Bran Buds he wants, greet me with enthusiasm when I get home, and deposit his excess hair around the house so I can lovingly vacuum up after him.

~b~