Change

I haven't blogged for a while and to be honest I haven't really even wanted to write anything lately to avoid processing everything that has being going on.    

I took some extended time off work at the end of September and was hoping to return with some grand vision of my life, complete with goals and amazing achievements.  That didn't happen, but I did get more focused on what is important in my life and I gained some clarity in what should be my priorities.  I realized that I should be making decisions that aren't based on my emotions, or even what I thought I wanted in life, but that I should be making intellectually wise decisions.  

After months of feeling crappy and getting sick as well as vacillating between being paralyzed to make any kind of decision, or not having the energy to carry out any plans that I had, I knew that something had to change.  One of the decisions that I kept putting off was about my dog, Max.  Max had a partially torn ligament and a fully torn ligament and surgery was quoted at $1200-$3500 and 3 months of recovery, per leg.  After avoiding even making a decision, I knew I needed to quit putting this one off.  I felt that spending money on the surgeries and spending the extra time that would be required to help him heal properly would really be taking away from what I should be giving my son.  I knew deep down in my heart that I would never be able to take him out to the dog park and see him trotting around happily sniffing a trail along the ground or chasing off after other dogs, without me becoming stressed out about his legs.  With no reason to live in a house with a fenced yard, and with no desire to come home to an empty house full of memories, I gave notice and began looking for a place to live in the same area.  

At noon on Friday October 29th, we took Max to the vet and put him down.  Later that afternoon, I picked up the keys to our new place and began moving.  I've spent the last week moving, and moving, and cleaning, and unpacking and my new place is starting to look like a home.  I've been purposely keeping myself busy because I haven't wanted to deal with all these changes, but I think its time now that I try and find a rhythm to my day.  

I didn't realize until Sunday morning how upset I have been about these changes.  Emotionally, I am not okay with putting my dog down.  I can't even look at a dog right now, and I really haven't allowed myself to think about Max.  I realized Sunday morning that I'm angry.  After struggling for too long on trying to find some kind of grand vision of what is going to happen next, I feel like this is definitely not what I wanted.  I feel like everything I've wanted, everything I've hoped for, and everything I've dreamed of will never happen.  Instead, I feel like I've been given a whole lot of crap that I have to deal with.  I feel like I've taken a huge step back and it's hard to not dwell on what everybody else seems to have that I don't.   I'm tired.  I'm emotionally and physically tired and while I'm sure these changes have opened up new opportunities and possibilities I'm not sure if I really care to put in any effort.  Most days, I just don't have it in me to try new things, meet new people, or even create deeper relationships with those people that are in my life right now.

The question that popped into my mind Sunday morning was: What are you willing to do to make the most of this season in your life.  

I guess I have something to think about this week, and I will try to publish blog posts more frequently and more upbeat.

~b~