January 4th

 
One year ago plus a night I couldn't sleep.  I was about to step out of the familiarity of my mundane life and my mind couldn't stop racing.  I blogged about how my trepidation manifested in that jittery butterflies in your stomach which was coupled with the excitement that comes with change and new possibilities.  I was tired.  Really tired.  But the excitement, along with a whole lot of caffeine kept me going through out the day.  The whole year ahead of me seemed full of possibilities and I was filled with hope and excitement.

Last night I couldn't sleep.  I had spent yesterday distracting myself from my stress by planning and preparing.  The distraction didn't work.  I spent last night wrestling with anxiety.  Trying to control my anxiety before I had a racing heart and I feared imminent death - a full-fledged panic attack.  I knew I just had to calm down and get the rest I desperately needed to think and feel properly.  But my anxiety wouldn't go away.  I cried out for comfort, wishing I still had Max.  To stroke his fur.  To hear him breath.  To help me calm down.  So I wouldn't be alone.

But I was alone.  And Max was gone.  I think I cried myself to sleep.  Asleep to my dreams that are so vivid and so real.  My anxiety found me in that place where my emotions reign, and logic and truth can't reach my ears.  My dream played out my biggest hope and my biggest fear.  My dream was filled with intense emotion.  I woke up feeling that the true essence of me that is real and fragile and authentically me will never be good enough or never be attractive enough.

Being rejected, (in your own dream no less), is never a great way to start your day.  Needless to say, I spent more of today crying, that I did getting prepared for the end of the week.  I normally wouldn't admit that I'm emotional.  I feel deeply.  I'm vulnerable.  I cry.  But I think it's odd that January 4th seems fraught with emotion.  Next year I'll have to watch out for January 4th, and plan accordingly.

I'm glad that it's the start of a new year, even a new decade and that tomorrow is a fresh day.

~b~